Unsaid Promises

[faye_dartmouth]

Title:  Unsaid Promises

Rating:  PG, gen

Disclaimer:  I don't think I own anything in life, much less the wonders of Sam and Dean.

A/N: These things are a dime a dozen, but I had to write this for my own reasons to deal with the fact that Sam simply said nothing to Dean at the end of CSPWDT. And it drove me crazy. So, I make no claims to greatness with this one, but this is what I came up with.  Thanks to geminigrl11 for the quick beta and Brenna for the positive encouragement.

 

Unsaid Promises

The words never come.

They catch in his throat, garbled among all the lies, half-truths, and desperate pleas. It’s like Dean has sucker punched him again, but with something far more powerful than a fist.

And what can he say? Because Dean’s right. He always has been.

You’re a selfish bastard, you know that?

It’s too little, too late.

There’s nothing you can say to make this better.

All of it is true.

He’s known since Dad died that he only got Dean back in a trade. There are no such things as coincidences, not in their world. Everything Dean says has added up—him on the brink of death and then miraculously recovering, Dad suddenly dying. The Colt missing. He doesn’t want to think about it, but he knows it’s the truth. And he’s so selfish that for as much as he misses his dad, he doesn’t regret which Winchester lived.

And it is too little, too late. No one buys this good son, stay strong brother routine. It’s wearing thing, even to him.

But what can he tell Dean? That he’s right? That he’s sorry?

Because God knows both are true.

He wishes he could lie, wishes he could tell Dean that nothing he is saying could possibly be true.

He wants to tell Dean that he loves him, needs him, that Dad’s sacrifice wasn’t in vain.

But he can’t. After all this, he’s too afraid to speak them. He’s too afraid—too afraid he’ll say it wrong, that saying anything at all will push Dean away again, make him close up, make him withdraw.

Besides, Sam knows that if he speaks, he needs to make a confession of his own, and he’s just not sure he’s ready for that quite yet.

I’m sorry.

He’s the one who’s sorry. He disobeyed one last order and now they’ve all paid the ultimate price. He lost the demon and the Colt—his best chance to end this.

He did it for Dean, to keep them together, but his weakness tore them apart.

Because John died anyway.

And now Dean has lost all that he has to live for and is bowing under the weight of the guilt of a trade John never would have had to make if Sam had been the good son when he should have been.

Sam wants to fix him, wants to be the strong one like Dean has always been for him, but when all Sam’s pushing finally topples Dean’s defenses, Sam finds himself buried in the rubble with no way out.

All he wants is to go back.

He should have been the one to make the trade. He should have shot the demon. He should have been in the fight with them all along—should have never left them for college, for dreams that wouldn’t get him anywhere.

He should have never been born.

He got them into this. It’s him. It always has been.

And as Dean finally breaks, finally lets Sam watch as his façade shatters, Sam can’t find the words. Because there’s nothing he can say that will make Dean feel better, nothing he can say that will bring him any closure for his own sins. But he feels the promise growing in his heart. Someday he’ll give back for all the times he’s taken without question. Someday he’ll do the right thing without needing to be told.

He may never find the words. But he will find a way to make this better.

Comments

[kalyw.livejournal.com]

Aww, poor Sam. And what you've hit on here is why I'm okay with that last scene. I'm not in love with Sam being silent by any means but I think I understand it, painful as it is. Lovely fic. :)

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

Writing this was therapeutic, though this ep will always bother me somewhat. I'm glad this worked, though :)

[x5vale.livejournal.com]

Perfect! Just how I think Sam should feel.
*hugs Sam and Dean*

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it worked! And the boys certainly need all the hugs they can get.

[trishabooms.livejournal.com]

I think you really nailed what had to be going on in Sam's head here.
Beautifully done!

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

I hope I came close to Sam's thoughts, or I would never be able to cope with the ending of that ep. I'm glad you liked it :)

[dawnie1970.livejournal.com]

*wibbles*

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

Aww...thanks!

[forgotten-pixie.livejournal.com]

Awwww, poor Sammy. This was a lovely look into his mindset in that scene.

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

I do hope they deal with Sam's side of the grief more throughout the season, because I'm sure that boy is thoroughly messed up over all this. Thanks!

[lady-shain.livejournal.com]

He may never find the words. But he will find a way to make this better.

Killer last line.

Really, I loved this whole piece; it's heartbreaking, and honest, and I just want to smish them both..

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

They both need to be smished. Badly. How much did I just CRAVE a hug at the end of that ep? I knew I'd never get it, but all the fangirls would have been satisfied.

Thanks :)

[lady-shain.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hear you. But as someone pointed out, if Sam had touched him, he'd have either punched him or leave. Either way...not good. *g*

[winchesterhaunt.livejournal.com]

I'm with you girl. That last part when Sam stayed silent really bothered me. But I can understand. If I was in his place I wouldn't've known what to said.

Beautiful words of wisedom there, Faye. You are truely a superior writer.

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

The silence still bothers me, but I'm coping as best I can. I'm glad this fic worked to fill in the gaps--I really did *have* to write it, or I'd run the risk of imploding from all my frustrations. Thanks :)

[girlguidejones.livejournal.com]

"...but when all Sam’s pushing finally topples Dean’s defenses, Sam finds himself buried in the rubble with no way out."

This is a really great line, all the more powerful for being so true. Sam's spent weeks trying to push Dean into finally opening up, and clearly not a single minute thinking about what he (Sam) could do or say when Dean finally surrendered.

Poor Sammy. Poor Dean.

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

He just knew Dean needed to talk, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't expecting THAT to be what Dean said. I mean, can you imagine the weight of that? Your brother who has been the one to hold YOU together saying that he shouldn't be alive? Sam had to be reeling just as much as Dean was.

Poor boys. I guess that's why we love to write about them, though--all that angst makes them fun to play with.

[girlguidejones.livejournal.com]

Yep. Sam was definitely caught off guard.

I really like that aspect of the scene, truth be told, because it shows how Sam really is the "little" brother after all. Even though Sam's often portrayed as the truly mature one, it's not hard to imagine that if the tables were turned, practical, more worldly Dean would have been prepared for whatever Sam may have said. That Sam was caught off guard illustrates the more protected upbringing that [mostly] Dean was responsible for providing him.

I really liked that.

[iamstealthyone.livejournal.com]

I really like this take on why Sam says nothing at the end of CSPWDT. I thought that scene in the ep ended just fine. I really didn’t think there was anything Sam could say to Dean to make it better. But I had not pondered exactly what went through Sam’s head, and I think you came up with a great train of thought here.

Favorite lines:

He’s the one who’s sorry. He disobeyed one last order and now they’ve all paid the ultimate price. He lost the demon and the Colt—his best chance to end this.

He did it for Dean, to keep them together, but his weakness tore them apart.

Very nicely phrased, and it makes sense that Sam would feel some guilt about John’s death. I think he made the right choice in not shooting John, but I can easily see where Sam would think “If only … ”
He may never find the words. But he will find a way to make this better.

Love Sam’s quiet determination here. Nicely done.

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

I'm very late on my reply here...

Sam's silence is so bothersome, but it's probably also very realistic. I've made more peace with that the further I get from teh ep's airing.

And I think ultimately both boys are broken, but then equally resolved. Because what else do they have?

[apieceofcake.livejournal.com]

A nice, well done look into Sam's headspace. Thanks :-)

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

Sorry for my tardiness...

But I'm so glad you liked it. Sam's head can be a scary place :)

[nativestar.livejournal.com]

A nice look into Sam's thoughts at the end of that episode. I think there's so many of these fics out there because so many people are thinking, 'why didn't Sam say anything?' I think the writers were right to end the episode there, but I love to read the fics that explore what might have happened. Thank you!

It's CSPWDT fic rec today at spn_epific so I'll be reccing this there unless you have an objection.

[faye-dartmouth.livejournal.com]

The episode certainly did leave us hanging for Sam's reaction. I don't believe he wouldn't do SOMETHING so writing something had to be done.

Thanks for the rec!